For the First Time in Forever
by csi cameron
Summary: For the first time in forever, Elsa gets to mourn
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Frozen, Elsa, Anna, Olaf, Kristoff, or anything of the like. This is just a story idea that popped into my head

Gerda was just finishing her rounds for the night when a loud crashing sound came from the grand ballroom. She grabbed a candlestick from the sideboard table in an attempt to defend herself.

"Wh- who's there?" She demanded with as much bravery she could muster.

Startled, Elsa jumped up from her position from under the shelf. "Ouch!" she exclaimed as ice inadvertently coated the cabinet she was reaching under.

"Gasp! Your Majesty!" Gerda sputtered in shock. "What are you doing?" If Gerda didn't know better, she could've sworn the Queen looked embarrassed.

"I was just cleaning up this mess I made."

"Let me call someone to take care of that for you," Gerda offered.

"It's okay, Gerda. I'm can do it. This isn't the first mess I've had to clean up myself," the young queen said wryly.

Gerda didn't understand. "The servants were always avail-"

Elsa interrupted her and solemnly stated, "I never got the luxury of having someone clean up my messes when I was younger. Besides, I don't think many servants would feel comfortable cleaning up ice shards and melted snow."

When Elsa turned back to her cleaning duties, Gerda gave her a sympathetic look and squatted down next to her. Reaching for Elsa's hand, she stopped her and took the towel from her hand. A look of understanding was passed between the two. Gerda nodded her head toward a chair indicating she wanted Elsa to relax and sit. Elsa opened her mouth to protest but the look Gerda gave her shut her up completely.

"What exactly were you doing, your majesty?" Gerda asked politely.

Elsa shifted a little in her seat. "I was trying to make ice sculptures for Anna's birthday. I had almost everyone important to her, but when I go to our parents…well, I couldn't quite get their likenesses and um…Papa kind of just exploded."

This statement was rewarded with a slight giggle from one of Elsa's oldest, most trusted servants. She stopped though when she saw that Elsa hadn't meant it to be funny and actually looked quite ashamed.

Gerda stopped what she was doing and tentatively approached the queen.

"What really is the matter, your majesty?"

Elsa looked up from her hands. After their parents' deaths, Gerda had always been a maternal figure to Elsa and Anna, even if Elsa wasn't as accessible as Anna. She clenched and unclenched her fists, formulating her thoughts. A light chill filled the air as she did so.

"I missed out on so many of Anna's birthdays and other important events—" she left the sentence hanging; it's implications not missed by the older woman. "I just want to get this right."

Gerda clasped Elsa's hands to stop them from fidgeting and to provide comfort. "I'm sure Princess Anna will be pleased with whatever you do. And more importantly, she's just happy to have her sister back. She doesn't care about the past."

Elsa calmed a little, but then looked sadly at the portrait of her father and mother. Slumping her shoulders, she let out a sigh.

"If I may be so bold, your majesty. Have you been able to properly mourn your parents' passing?"

Elsa quickly jerked her head back toward Gerda. It was as if she was just stabbed through the heart with one of her own ice shards. She opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out.

"You've gone through more than anyone your age should have. Yet, you have never given time for yourself to grieve. For yourself, your lost childhood, your parents." She paused, giving Elsa time to marinate on her words.

"The party is still a few days away. I suggest you take some time off for yourself. It might give you more clarity and peace. And remember, you don't have to do this alone. Not anymore." With that, Gerda gave Elsa's shoulder a squeeze and left the ballroom.

Early the next morning, Elsa's door slowly swung open. At first an eye could be seen peeking around the edge, then the rest of a redheaded, pigtailed face. Ever since "the thaw", Elsa kept her door ajar- always accessible to Anna, but still able to maintain some privacy for the Queen. And truth be told, Elsa felt a little claustrophobic in her room ever since being dragged unconscious back from her ice palace and placed in that small cell.

Anna crept up to the canopied bed to see if she could surprise her sister. "Elsa?"

The last time she had woken her sister like this was a distant memory, but seemed more like a dream. Anna vaguely remembered the aurora glowing, and then their relationship went downhill. She shook her head to wipe out those unpleasant memories. "Stop it, Anna. It wasn't Elsa's fault. She won't shut you out anymore," she told herself.

Looking down at Elsa's sleeping figure, Anna could tell she did not have a restful slumber. Anna was saddened by the worry that was etched all over Elsa's features. "What could she be stressed about?" she wondered. Anna decided she'd let Elsa sleep a few hours longer. After all, none of the servants were up yet either.

When Elsa hadn't showed up to breakfast, Anna decided it was time to wake her up. She knew Elsa would be upset with herself for missing out on her queenly duties. Anna wasn't so tentative in entering Elsa's room this time around. She bounded up to Elsa's bed and jumped on it.

"Elsa, psst. Elsa! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

All this elicited was a grown from her sister. Anna got a glint in her eye. "Wanna build a snowman?"

Elsa's eyes flew open with a gasp. She nearly knocked Anna to the ground when she bolted up from her prone position. "What?!"

Anna was a little startled, especially when the temperature in the room dropped. "I.. uh.."

Elsa rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Anna. I just… it's nothing. Sure, I'd love to build a snowman."

"Nuh-uh, dear sister of mine. Something is definitely up with you. First, you sleep through breakfast and now you act like you've seen a ghost. The gates are open, now spill."

"It's noth—I was just up late last night."

"Elsaaa," whined Anna.

Elsa sighed, "Okay. It's just that… well, you waking me up like you just did was the exact way you did when we were kids. You know, before. After the night I had, it just threw me for a second."

"Speaking of that, I came in earlier… you looked stressed even in your sleep. Have you been having nightmares?" Anna asked genuinely concerned.

"Not exactly. More like a lot on my mind during my waking hours." Anna gave her a look indicating Elsa needed to elaborate more before the subject was dropped.

"I had an… interesting talk with Gerda last night. She is under the impression I haven't properly mourned for apparently every aspect of my life," Elsa said glibly, hoping Anna wouldn't read too much into it.

"She's right, you know."

"Ugh," thought Elsa. "Not you too."

"Elsa, you stayed locked in your room for thirteen years—"

"That's not entirely true. I did have to leave to go to the bathroom and future queen lessons until—" Elsa let her statement hang there.

Anna looked at her knowingly. "See? That's exactly it. You can't even say it. Queen lessons until mother and father died."

Elsa averted her eyes. It was times like these she wished she were still behind locked doors.

"It's okay, Elsa. It's okay to be sad. You're not going to freeze the kingdom." Anna said this, but even she wasn't entirely sure. At least she hoped Elsa wouldn't bring on another unexpected winter. "And even if you do set off another ice age, we know how to melt it now," Anna said with a smile, trying to alleviate Elsa's worries.

"So, what exactly brought on this melancholy for Gerda to even bring it up? And when did this conversation even take place? When I left you, you were heading to bed."

Elsa knew there really was no way of getting around it, especially when her sister was like a bloodhound on the sent of a wild creature. "Well, I was kind of getting your birthday gift ready, and one thing led to another."

"But that's all I'll say!" she exclaimed when she saw the excited gleam in Anna's eyes at the mention of her gift.

"So, you wanted to build a snowman?"

Anna grinned toothily. "Yes!"

"Okay, let me get changed and I'll meet you outside."

Anna skipped out to the hall but before leaving she threw over her shoulder, "Don't think you're off the hook yet. We still need to talk about the other aspects of your life you aren't dealing with."

The rest of the day went pleasantly for Elsa. She and Anna built snowmen for Olaf to play with, but none of them retained their lifelikeness once they went back inside. When Anna went to find Kristoff, Elsa decided to go over more trade agreements. She opted to do it in the library instead of the study where her father's coronation portrait stared down at her.

The last embers of the sunset burned through the windows of the library as the servants came in to light the candles. It was there they found Queen Elsa asleep, head in her arms on one of the desks surrounded by piles of paperwork.

"Excuse me, your majesty," Kai quietly addressed the queen.

Slowly, she roused from her slumber. Stretching and rubbing her neck, Elsa reoriented herself. "What time is it?"

"It's almost time for your dinner, your majesty."

"Mmhm. Is Anna back yet?"

"Yes, ma'am. She returned from her excursion a little over an hour ago."

Kai's terminology for Anna's visits to Kristoff made Elsa smile. She was glad Anna was taking it slower with him than she did with Hans. Just thinking of the prince from the Southern Isles, made her shudder. And to think she was going to leave him to take care of her sister.

"Thank you, Kai. I'm going to freshen up before joining her in the dining room."

"And your work, majesty?" Kai indicated the papers on the desk.

"You can leave them there. I'll be back after dinner."

"As you wish," he replied and continued on his way to light the remaining candles.

"So, then Sven butted Kristoff into the stream. You should've seen his face!"

Anna and Elsa laughed at this. They discussed plans for Anna's upcoming birthday party from what dresses they were going to wear to what food was going to be served. It was good to talk about innocuous things for a change.

They fell into a comfortable silence until Anna brought up the earlier conversation with Gerda.

"You know, I had a chance to talk to Gerda when you were doing your queenly duties."

"You mean when I was napping on my diplomatic documents?" Elsa said with a smirk.

"Yes, then," Anna had to agree with a laugh. "You really need to let down, you know. I know you've been opening up to me more, but I still think you have a lot bottled up inside. It's not healthy, you know. You'll end up with ulcers."

Elsa raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Okay. Thanks?"

"Seriously. I want to know what you're feeling, how you felt those past thirteen years. I can't imagine what you put yourself through in your self-imposed martyrdom."

Elsa was contemplative for a few minutes before she spoke. "It wasn't all self-imposed."

Anna looked up from her dessert. "What do you mean?"

"After the accident and the trolls, papa and mama thought it best if I tried to learn control in my room. Well, papa mainly. But it's not his fault!" she blurted out quickly when Anna had a look of horror on her face.

"I agreed to it and it was I who continued to stay in there," she said trying to justify her parents' actions.

"Elsa! You were eight! Thirteen years of us being separated and you having to keep that secret. Gah! And there I was, knocking on your door as a daily reminder of what you couldn't do. I can't believe how selfish I was," Anna exclaimed.

"Hey! I thought I was the one with the monopoly on self-loathing. You're the bubbly one remember?" Elsa joked, trying to lighten the mood and protect Anna from feelings of guilt she was so familiar with.

Anna took a deep breath and looked at Elsa sheepishly. With a giggle, she said, "You're right. Kinda.. Wait, what?"

Elsa shook her head with a bemused look on her face.

"So, what are you going to do?" Anna asked.

Elsa took a spoonful of her dessert before answering. "I guess I'm going to go to the gravesite," she said in a noncommittal way.

"Mmhm. I think it'd be good for you. Closure and all," Anna agreed.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next day found Elsa in her study reviewing reports on recent arrivals to Arendelle's shores. After some time, her stomach made a loud gurgling sound. She glanced at the clock and realized she had been at it for several hours and hadn't even eaten breakfast yet.

As she snuck out of the study, something or rather someone collided into her.

"Oomph!"

"Oh! Elsa! There you are! Sorry about that, by the way," Anna rambled out as she untangled herself from the heap that was herself and Elsa on the floor. "What are you doing here anyway? Have you already gone to the churchyard?"

Elsa grimaced slightly and the air got cooler around them.

"Elsa…" Anna started.

"Unfortunately, the duties of a queen never end. There were some affairs of state that I needed to attend to before doing anything else," Elsa stated as she rose and dusted herself off.

Anna looked at her skeptically. She had a way of knowing when Elsa was making excuses for something she didn't want to do. And it was in this particular instant when Elsa gave off a regal air when it was just between them that she knew Elsa was putting off the inevitable.

"You know, I'm not going to stop bugging you about it, right? I'll even get Kai and Gerda in on it too."

"Anna…" Elsa started exasperated. She sighed, "I know. It's just…there really are these reports I have to take care of. And, honestly, I don't think I'm ready."

Anna placed her hand on Elsa's arm. "I understand. But one is never really ready for this sort of thing. Don't you think three years is enough time?"

Elsa was about to answer when her stomach reminded her it needed food. Anna heard it too and had a brilliant idea. "Why don't we take a break and go into the marketplace! They have wonderful food stalls and it will get you out of this stuffy castle."

"This stuffy castle is our home," Elsa chastised. "But okay," she relented with a smirk.

The marketplace started out as a pleasant distraction from Elsa's worries, if not a bit crowded for her taste. It also didn't help that everyone seemed to notice not only the approachable, exuberant Princess of Arendelle, but also the more reserved Queen of Arendelle out and about. Elsa was slowly regretting this excursion with her sister because she felt if it were just herself, the people would probably shy away from the queen and let her be. Instead she was feeling crowded and slightly overwhelmed.

"Kristoff!" Anna yelled and dragged Elsa over to the blonde ice harvester and Sven, his ever-faithful reindeer.

"Hi Anna!" he said with a huge grin on his face, then he noticed Elsa and stuttered, "G-good afternoon, your majesty."

"After what you've done for me and Anna, you can call me just Elsa."

"Uh… yes your, um Elsa." Kristoff said nervously.

Anna just shook her head. "We were just heading to find some food stalls. Care to join us?"

"Sure!"

Enduring Kristoff and Anna's googily eyes toward each other was enough to get Elsa to make an effort to head to the churchyard where her parents were buried. After informing them of her departure, Kristoff looked at Anna with a worried expression. "Do you think it's wise for her to go alone?"

Anna stared in the direction Elsa went. "I'm not really sure. But it's what she needs to do. And we'll be right here for her when she needs us."

Elsa slowly approached the small gate that led to the church. She marveled at the beautifully manicured grounds and realized she had never been on the outside. She could count on one hand how many times she actually went to the church. There were the scant times before the accident with Anna and at her coronation. Those few times, they never lingered long but she could see the inspiration to the palace's gardens.

The gate made a slight creak, as it swung open from Elsa's gentle push. From the corner of her eye, she could see two monoliths on a hill. She quickly turned in the opposite direction and examined some of the flowering bushes on her way to the church itself. After making two or three rounds through the garden, she finally entered the church. It was quiet as a grave she reflected morosely. Sitting on a back pew, she rested her hands in her lap and just took in the architecture.

The bishop had been observing the queen from his office window and decided maybe he should approach her. "Your father often sat here when he, too, had much on his mind."

The sudden voice startled Elsa out of her reverie causing her to frost the pew slightly. If the bishop noticed, he didn't let on.

"I have a feeling it was usually about you," he continued.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone was here. I'll just be leaving," she sputtered out.

"Nonsense, your majesty," the bishop said, coming around from behind and sitting down beside her. "I, in no means, meant to offend you. You are much your father's daughter. He was also a very introspective man. He would often come here for my counsel. Even if he never addressed the issue directly, he was always worried about you. It wasn't until recently, that I realized the burden he carried."

Elsa bristled at this and the room grew increasingly colder as ice formed on the rafters. She came here for solace, not to be alluded to as a burden. She began to rise when the bishop interrupted her movement.

"Please don't take it the wrong way. He cared deeply for you and always spoke highly of you. Out of all things in the kingdom, you were what made him the proudest. You and your sister, but especially you. You never disappointed him."

A lump formed in Elsa's throat. "But, how—" She couldn't quite formulate the question on her heart.

The bishop continued, "He never directly said, but often he spoke of a situation where the parties involved sacrificed much to protect those they loved. I now know he was referring to you and your sister. I don't claim to truly understand the king's reasoning and what was involved, but you should know, your father thought you were stronger than you think; stronger than all of them. He had the faith you could rule Arendelle magnificently, if only you could believe in yourself."

Elsa turned toward the bishop too stunned to speak. She could hardly believe what he was saying. How could her father have been proud of her? She failed at controlling her powers; failed at keeping Anna safe from them. She still didn't have full control over them. She shook her head. _No, I can't think like that. Anna is safe now._

She flinched as the bishop patted her knee before he rose to leave. As if he could read her thoughts, "You'll do fine, your majesty." Her mind flashed to the last time she saw her parents, _You'll be fine, Elsa_, were her father's last words to her. Elsa sat there for a few more minutes mulling over the bishop's words before she too rose and left for the gravesite.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: thank you all for the follows and favoriting of this story. One review in particular, Olafqhace.. it's funny, in this next chapter that I had written up already, I did have a mention of the "Conceal, don't feel" advice. I may do a story regarding that... or I may not. lol I have a lot of ideas floating in my head. But I'll leave you all with another chapter... there are moments when it's a doozy.**

Chapter 3

She climbed the lush hillside where the monuments to her parents were with trepidation. The hill seemed more daunting than her trek to the North Mountain, but she persisted. Elsa looked up at the stone monuments loomed over her and she felt like she was eighteen again—small, nervous, and not ready to be left alone to her own devices.

_You'll be fine, Elsa_. It was like a mantra that kept running through her head.

_But I wasn't fine, Papa. Unless by fine, he meant, "freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional"._

Elsa continued to stare at the stones, searching for answers. _Why did you have to leave? We were left alone.___**"****_I _**was left alone!" The last statement was shouted aloud. She ran her hands through her hair in despair. "You locked me in a cage and left me alone! You left me!" A light flurry surrounded Elsa as she collapsed on the grass in front of their gravestones. "I asked you to stay, but you couldn't get away from me fast enough," she whispered. "How is that fine, Papa? How?" she wept.

Anna had returned to the palace early in the evening.

"Good evening, Gerda!" She was in good spirits after spending most of the day with Kristoff.

"Your highness," Gerda curtsied.

"What's for dinner? I'm starving. Maybe Elsa will let us have it early today." Anna prattled off.

Gerda looked a little nervous and cleared her throat. "Princess Anna, she might, but Queen Elsa is not here."

This stopped Anna in her tracks. "What?" she turned around eyeing Gerda.

"We haven't seen the Queen since she left with you this afternoon. She even missed an appointment with the harbor master."

"That's not like her. I didn't even know she had a meeting. She never mentioned it before she went to…" she drifted off looking toward the horizon as the sun was soon ending its descent from the sky.

Gerda was about to ask where the queen went, but Anna was already running back out of the courtyard toward the church.

The sky had turned a brilliant pink and yellow by the time Anna reached churchyard's gate. She scanned the area even though she knew where to expect Elsa to be. What she wasn't expecting was the minor snowstorm brewing above her parents' graves. She took off in a sprint toward the hill.

Elsa was still on the ground crying. "I was never fine. _Conceal, don't feel_ - How was that supposed to help?! How proud are you of your good girl now, Papa? I froze Arendelle. I ran away. I nearly killed our people. This isn't what fine looks like. I **_FROZE _**Anna!" she shouted with extra emphasis. The storm raged on.

Anna was having a hard time climbing the hill with Elsa's blizzard blowing down the hillside. She had to get to Elsa before she caused irreparable damage.

"Elsa!" she tried to shout over the howling winds. "ELSAAAA!" as if the gods were on her side, her voice carried through the winds to Elsa. The storm seemed to lessen slightly allowing Anna to continue up the hill.

When Anna got to the top, she was surprised at what she saw. The entire hilltop and gravestones were covered in snow. Ice had radiated from the spot where Elsa was prone, whimpering into the ground. Her chest heaving as she struggled for breath. As Anna approached, she could hear Elsa repeating all her insecurities.

Anna reached her sister and wrapped her arms around her. "Shh… I'm here. It's okay. I'm right here now."

With one final blast of wind, the storm died down and everything became still.

Elsa was still shaking and Anna could hear her tears settle into a calmer rhythm. Anna ran her hand through Elsa's hair, taming it from the effects of the wind and to comfort her sister at the same time, murmuring words of comfort.

They sat in the snow like this for some time until the sun had fully set. Elsa briefly fell asleep with her head in Anna's lap as she rubbed her back. At some point, the bishop had come with a blanket and lantern seeing Anna was unable to move her sister.

"Anna?" a quiet voice interrupted the silence.

"Hey, look who's up," Anna said gently.

Elsa raised her head from Anna's lap, slightly disoriented. "Where…?" Looking around she gasped at what she saw. She started to cry again. Then the realization that this storm may not be isolated to the hilltop, "Arendelle!"

"Shhh. It's alright. Arendelle is fine. You're fine now."

This only agitated Elsa more. She mumbled something under her breath.

"What?" Anna asked, not quite understanding.

"I'm not—I'm not fine." Elsa stated.

Anna gazed at her sister with empathy. "Maybe, but you will be."

"No! You don't understand." The last part was said with an air of defeat. Elsa couldn't continue.

"Then help me to understand. I'm here. Let me in." Anna coaxed.

Elsa looked around trying to find the right words and to calm her nerves before she set off another blizzard.

She inhaled deeply before she started. "Papa said I would be fine," she paused before she could add the rest. "Right before they left. And look at all that happened since then."

"Oh, Elsa," Anna was beginning to tear up for her sister. "Things did turn out fine in the end. It might take time for you to get used to it."

"I killed them," Elsa stated simply.

"What? No, why would you say that?"

"If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have left."

Anna shook her head, "Elsa, it was a diplomatic mission. They had to go."

Elsa stiffened, "No they didn't. If it wasn't for me, they could have had dignitaries come into the castle. They wouldn't always have to travel to them. What they needed was a break from me."

Anna couldn't believe all the insecurities and guilt Elsa had been carrying alone. "Elsa, mama and papa loved you with every fiber of their being. Do you want to know a secret?" She didn't wait for a response from Elsa, "I was jealous of you. I thought they loved you more than me because of the amount of time they spent with you and how they always catered to you in your room."

Elsa snorted at this. "Please. The looks of terror they had when my power went out of control."

"Elsa, stop. You might not believe it now, but they did have an enormous amount of love for you. I'd like to think they're looking down on us and are incredibly proud."

Elsa looked up at her sister and gave a small smile. "That's what the bishop said. He said Papa was proud of us."

Anna smiled back, "Then it must be true. A bishop can't lie, can they?

They both shared a chuckle.

"Come on, let's get back to the castle. I'm starving." Anna was up on her feet first and extended her hand to help Elsa up.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: So I may have posted prematurely and got Elsa stuck in a funk of self loathing. Hopefully, this chapter will help her out. Also, for some reason my spacing and dividers between scenes don't translate well when I put them into the site, so hopefully the chapters aren't hard to read. This will probably be the shortest chapter but I couldn't leave Elsa so down for so long.  
**

Chapter 4

The walk back to the palace was a quiet one. Anna had her arm around Elsa who was slightly creating a frost trail upon the ground where they walked. Elsa seemed oblivious to what she was doing as she looked downward in contrast to Anna who switched between surreptitiously looking back at the trail left behind and Elsa's face, trying to read her thoughts.

"You're not shutting yourself in, are you?" Anna broke the silence. When Elsa didn't reply, she continued, "Doors aren't the only things to hide behind, you know."

Elsa stopped walking and looked up into her sister's eyes. The look there melted Elsa's heart. How could she keep quiet when Anna was doing her best to keep Elsa from sinking into her own morbid thoughts? Hadn't she kept Anna in the dark long enough?

She inhaled deeply, reaching for Anna's free hand and resumed walking. "I know," she began slowly. "It's just—it's just difficult for me. I'm trying, but I'm kind of new at this. I haven't really spoken to anyone about my feelings for thirteen years. It's a bit frightening, you know?"

"But what about mama and papa? I'm sure they understood."

Elsa grimaced slightly. "What is it? What's wrong?" Anna asked alarmed.

Elsa shook her head. "They tried. But they really just wanted me to be a good girl and get control over my powers. I didn't want to disappoint them with my feelings of inadequacy."

"Oh Elsa. I'm sure you wouldn't have disappointed them. They wanted in as well. You're being too hard on yourself."

"I suppose."

Anna gave Elsa a squeeze. "You can always tell me anything. I want to hear everything you're thinking. We all do, me, Kristoff, Kai, Gerda… the staff. Well, maybe not the staff. I think you intimidate them," she giggled.

Elsa furrowed her brow. "Anna," she said with a warning tone.

"Well, you do! You're quite the imposing figure you know, even without your powers."

"I'm only that way _because_ I have powers. I probably would've been carefree like you given the chance."

"Come on, Elsa. Admit it, you've always had the stiff upper lip thing going on. You were next in line, you were born to be imposing," Anna said with a chuckle.

Elsa just shook her head in amusement and kept walking.

**End notes: I'm hoping that cheered them up a bit. They'll eventually be getting back to the castle and have Anna's party. Bet you thought I forgot about that. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: so I finally got them back to the castle and this could either be seen as a filler chapter or just the natural progression of things. I seem to like a lot of angst, but am realizing, I can't have Elsa depressed all the time. She was a fun loving kid, and she seemed to get back into the swing of things briefly at her coronation, before everything went south, and at the end so we know she can just be a bit of herself and not all woe is me. So that's what we have here. Happy reading!**

Chapter 5

Finally, the castle was in view and one of the guards noticed their approach. "It's the queen and the princess! Open the gates!"

As they approached the courtyard, Gerda and Kai ran up to them.

"Queen Elsa, Princess Anna! We've been worried sick. Where have you been? Are you alright?"

Elsa did her best to put on her queenly façade, but as she started to look at Gerda's caring eyes, she halted, remembering the words Anna recently spoke to her. There was genuine concern in Gerda's eyes. They did want to know what she was thinking.

"It will take time, but I will be, Gerda." Elsa chose her words carefully. She didn't want to lie anymore and say she was "Fine" but she knew she was on the road to recovery.

Gerda gave her a knowing smile.

"Ahem. Let's get your highness and the princess inside where it's warm. You ladies look like you're chilled to the bone," Kai interjected.

Elsa gave him a weird look. _Doesn't he realize I don't feel the cold? But Anna on the other hand. _"You're right. It may be summer, but it is after nightfall and Princess Anna has already had to endure a snowstorm."

Kai and Gerda both had startled expressions on their face as Anna and Elsa walked past them into the palace.

The next morning, the sunlight flooding into Elsa's room wasn't as dreaded as it had been. With a yawn and very long stretch, Elsa slowly came to her senses. She rolled over and stared out the window for a few minutes just taking in the calmness of the day. She could hear the servants making their way through the hall, drawing the curtains, opening windows and the like.

Sighing, she slowly got up and went to her wardrobe. _I suppose I better get dressed. I have that meeting with the harbor master that I missed on top of all the other duties I have to do, plus finishing Anna's party preparations._ Today was going to be a long day.

The meeting with the harbor master turned out more pleasant than she expected. He just wanted to confirm the arrivals of dignitaries from Spain and England that were expected later that week and to inform her of repairs to the docks. That last topic was a bit awkward for both of them since it was her creation of winter in summer that caused the damage and he didn't really want to bring that back up again.

Afterwards, she had to make an appearance at a school play, settle a trade dispute with two neighboring kingdoms, open a new community garden, work on the menu for a banquet that wasn't to happen until next month, not to mention all the preparations for Anna's birthday. By the time she was done, she was so exhausted she noticed she was creating a frost on various objects she came in contact with, from doorknobs to the stemware she had to pick for the different parties. She went to her room for a brief respite to recollect herself.

It was here that Anna found her lying on her bed with her head hanging off the edge, eyes closed. Anna tilted her head to get a better look at her sister's unusually rosy face. "Elsa?"

Startled, Elsa slid off the bed in an ungraceful heap. "Anna! Wha—you startled me."

Smirking, "I can see that. What in the world are you doing?" Anna asked, her shoulders shaking from contained laughter.

Elsa rolled over onto her knees and pushed herself off the floor. "I was just resting and thinking."

"Thinking about what it would be like to be a bat?" Anna said facetiously.

Her sister's lips formed a tight smile as she scrunched up her nose and shook her head. "Noooo. I was thinking about calming exercises father had me do when I felt I was losing control of my powers."

Anna's amused face transformed to one of concern. "Are you okay?"

Elsa was smoothing out her dress and didn't see Anna's worried features. "What? Oh, I'm fine," she said nonchalantly. "Just tired is all. Today was a hectic day. It seems when I'm tired, my powers let loose a little more freely."

Anna still looked a little skeptical, but seeing how relaxed Elsa's facial features were, she relaxed a bit herself. What Elsa said did make sense, so she chose to believe her. Plus, this was the first time she ever saw Elsa discuss her powers without a look of dread or foreboding. Maybe the relaxation techniques were making a difference.

"So, part of these calming techniques is to let the blood rush to your brain?" Anna asked, genuinely curious as to her father's intentions.

Elsa glanced at Anna a bit confused. "Oh, no. I was just bored and decided to hang off the edge of my bed."

Anna blinked a few times. Was Elsa being serious or sarcastic? This new, let down Elsa was taking some getting used to. As if Elsa could read her thoughts, she interrupted her reverie, "Seriously. The whole 'conceal, don't feel, don't let it show' mantra was getting stale and quite frankly ineffective."

_I'll say, _thought Anna.

"So, then I was bored staring into space while working on my breathing. Anyway—are you even listening to me?" Elsa asked when it appeared Anna had retreated into her own mind.

"What? Uh, yes… conceal, don't feel. Right." Anna sputtered.

Elsa frowned at her, "Not exactly. Was there something you needed?"

Anna perked up, "Oh right, I wanted to let you know dinner is served."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: Thank you all for continuing to read this and your reviews. Here's a little bit more background on Elsa and Anna's father. It's only the first part of it... there will be more.**

Chapter 6

After dinner, Elsa snuck into the grand ballroom to continue her work on the ice sculptures for Anna's party. She managed to get one of her mother made, carefully getting the intricate detailing of her dress down to the exact thread. She looked up at her mother's face. Elsa squinted at it. The face of her mother looked empty—hollow. Her bun was just right, but the eyes—they were still filled with trepidation and worry. Her tight smile not quite reaching her eyes. No, this was not how Anna would remember them. She waved her hand, dispersing the ice. Elsa still hadn't even attempted recreating her father again. _What am I going to do? _With a groan, Elsa left the ballroom and wandered the palace, trying to clear her head.

As if her feet had a mind of their own, she somehow reached the lower bowels of the dungeons. She had not been here since…

The door was still smashed off its hinges and the wall was never repaired. Apparently, the guards would also like to forget this incident as no one has mentioned it to her or of the repairs needed to cover it up.

She walked further in, heading to what was left of the window when a metal scraping sound was made and her foot connected with something on the floor. Glancing down, she saw the iron shackles that had housed her hands unsuccessfully. Her mind flashed back to when she first woke up alone and afraid when she realized she was wearing them. Thinking on it, Elsa brow creased in thought. _Hans couldn't have had these made while I was gone. There wasn't enough time. These were here before. But that would mean…_ The cell chilled by 10 degrees and a lone tear rolled down Elsa's cheek before freezing. Elsa's chest shuddered. There was no doubt who this cell was made for, but why? _Why papa?_

Elsa had more questions than before. She quickly left the cell and made a note to have it all removed and filled in with stone. She made her way back upstairs. If she didn't have to see the dungeons again, would be too soon. Even with the dungeons behind her, she still couldn't shake the feeling of dread she had. She needed to find someone who knew more about it.

She managed to find Kai in her father's study, tidying up as he usually did in case the Queen decided to use the room. The thing is Elsa could never get used to this being the ruler of Arendelle's private study. To her, it was always her father's. The last time she was in here, she was just a little girl receiving her first pair of gloves.

Kai looked up from his duties. "Your majesty? I'm almost done in here. Would you like me to start the fire?"

Elsa shook her head. "That won't be necessary, Kai. I actually came in here looking for you."

Kai looked at her expectantly.

"What do you know of my father? As his most trusted advisor… I know he wouldn't talk about—my situation, but did he ever allude to any thoughts on it?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, your majesty."

Elsa wasn't sure how to elaborate. The memory was just too painful, but she needed to know. "In the dungeons, there was a cell…" She paused, not wanting to go on. She cleared her throat, which suddenly went dry. "It… it had a specific purpose. Did my father ever mention it to you?"

Kai looked at her sadly. He knew of the cell and when they had brought the Queen back from the North Mountain, he disagreed with her captivity in it. He went to a shelf that Elsa had never noticed before. But then again, she had only been in here a handful of times and had no need to look at the shelves. From the shelf, he extracted a large, worn, leather tome.

"I think now is a good time for you to have this." He held it out to her.

She didn't immediate reach for it. "I don't understand. What's this?"

"It was your father's journal. I think the contents will best answer the questions you may have more so than I."

Elsa tentatively took the tome from Kai's hands. It was heavy, much like Elsa's heart when thinking what the contents could reveal. She thanked him and quickly left for her chambers. Once inside, she closed the door. Afraid of what she might learn and how she'd react, she didn't want to be disturbed.

Sitting in a large chair by the window, she placed the book in her lap and flipped to a random page. The first few entries were about kingdom events, all of them occurring before she was even born. She flipped through a few more pages and found an interesting entry:

_Today was a monumental day for Arendelle. Today is the day we welcomed our new little princess, Elsa! She has her mother's nose. I can't believe I'm a father. As excited as I am, I'm also scared. I don't even know how to run a kingdom, what am I going to do with a daughter? We were worried at first also. She was so cold when she was born; we thought she didn't make it. But then she started crying until I held her and I knew, she was my little snowflake. About that, and this is the reason I'm grateful for this journal… I could never say this out loud for fear of what people will think, but I think there's something different about her. I'd like to say this is just a proud father writing, but there is something… not natural. We initially bundled her up for Arendelle winters can be harsh, but this only made her fussy or almost gave her a fever. But when we let her be in a thin gown, she was happy and healthy. Then there was the frost. We'd come into her room at night and her crib was covered in frost. There were also times when small snow flurries sprinkled snow in her room. I don't know what it means and why, but I know I'll do everything in my power to keep her safe._

Upon reading that, Elsa swallowed hard. She always knew she had powers early on, but she didn't realize it had started straight from birth. She continued reading, hoping to learn more about her powers.

_Another special day occurred. The birth of my second daughter, Anna. She has quite a head of hair. Red, like mine! Her sunny disposition is evident even at this young age. She hasn't stopped cooing and giggling once. Her eyes seem so full of wonderment, especially when she's with her big sister, Elsa. I was worried Elsa would be jealous of her baby sister, but she has taken a shine to Anna immediately. I can see they will be the best of friends. Elsa loves to perform tricks with her ice powers for Anna. Maybe these powers aren't such a bad thing after all._

Elsa smiled at this. She doesn't completely remember Anna's birth, but she did remember when her powers enamored Anna. "Do the magic!" Anna would always request. And Elsa would. She could never resist her. That's what made being isolated in her room so hard when every day Anna would call out to her to come and play.

_Today was the last straw. Elsa could've seriously hurt Anna today. She practically did. Luckily, the trolls were able to reverse the damage, but we had to separate the girls permanently. In order to keep Anna safe, she can never know of Elsa's powers. It'll be for the best and once Elsa learns to control them, they can play together again. Until then, we have had to shut the gates indefinitely. No one can know._

_I can't believe I lost my temper at my little snowflake. I know she didn't mean to hurt Anna, but in the moment, I was so scared for Anna. I will never raise my voice to my daughters again. Conceal, don't feel. That's how my father and his father before that stayed calm and collected. It does no good for a ruler who is not in control of his emotions. _

Elsa stopped there. Is that why he had her saying it when her powers were out of control? She didn't know her father felt so much. He always seemed so calm, even when her powers were raging. Well, that is except for the first time. It was getting late and she realized there had to be hundreds more entries if she recalled all the times her powers got the best of her. She set the book aside, changed into her nightclothes, and went to leave her door ajar for Anna, then went to bed. Thankfully her schedule was free tomorrow so she would have time to read more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: so, this may seem like a deviation from the plot, but be patient. Besides, the plot got away from me probably 4 chapters ago anyway. **

Chapter 7

Elsa was dreaming of dark cells and heavy chains when suddenly she fell from the crushing weight on her back. _Wait, my back?_ She looked down at her hands. The shackles were still on her hands. She turned around trying to see what was weighing her down, but saw nothing. She was having difficulty breathing when she jolted abruptly.

"Elsa! Elsa, wake up!" Anna called while bouncing on her sister's sleeping form.

Elsa moaned, "Hrrm. A…Anna?"

"Yes, come on, Elsa, wake up!"

"Can't… breathe." Elsa trying exhaling and it came out more of a shallow gasp.

Anna leaned back on her heels, "What?"

Elsa tried to roll over in an attempt to get Anna off her back. It sure was a lot easier when she was five. "Geddoff. I…can't…breathe," she tried again more forcefully, but the lack of oxygen was making it difficult.

"Oh! Elsa, I'm so sorry!" Anna exclaimed as she hopped off Elsa's back.

Taking a deep breath, Elsa rolled over. Taking a few more breaths, she looked over at her sister who was sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Okay, what is so important that you had to crush my lungs at… what time is it?"

"Look outside!" her exuberant sister squealed.

Elsa rolled her eyes. _Why couldn't Anna just answer my question for once instead of beating around the bush? _ Nevertheless, Elsa directed her vision to the window and saw frost all over it and snow beyond the sill.

She returned her gaze to Anna who she noticed was already dressed for what appeared to be a trek to the North Mountain and had some white flakes in her hair.

_Did I do that in my sleep?_ Elsa wondered. Elsa groaned softly at her apparently lack of control during nightmares. "Sorry," she managed to mumble out.

Anna gave her an odd look, "What are you—no, silly. You didn't do that. It's the first snow! Get dressed, we're going to build a snowman."

She hopped off the bed and went to the wardrobe in an effort to get Elsa dressed faster.

"Elsa, don't you have any outerwear? Everything is so…formal," Anna spoke before thinking.

Elsa stopped all attempts at getting out of the bed. "And for what occasion would I have the use for outerwear in the last thirteen years?" she asked acerbically.

Anna turned away from the wardrobe and lowered one of the offending dresses in her hand. "Oh, Elsa. I didn't mean… I only was…I'm really sorry. I wasn't thinking. I have a habit of that. I tend to just run at the mouth. And I'm doing it again, aren't I?"

At this, Elsa relaxed and gave a slight chuckle. She rose from the bed, giving Anna a lopsided grin and engulfing her in a big hug. "It's alright. I know you didn't mean it. And I'm sorry I got offended."

"Whew, that could've been disastrous!"

"Anna," Elsa warned. "Just drop it." Reaching into the wardrobe, she pulled out a navy and teal dress similar in style to her coronation gown but made entirely of wool instead of velvet and without the long cape. "This will do," she said decidedly. "And can we have breakfast first, please?"

8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8

What Elsa thought would be a day free from distractions turned into one full of distractions. Not that it was all bad. She had to admit, having her impromptu snow day with Anna was the best part of the day. Afterwards, Anna convinced her to go into the village to help pick out various chocolate flavored treats for her upcoming party. But in all honesty, it didn't take much convincing if chocolate was involved.

It was all the issues that came up after that exhausted Elsa. First, the harbormaster caught sight of her near the docks and waylaid her to discuss how the early snowfall would affect the repairs. Then, she was dragged into a dispute amongst shopkeepers and whose stall was blocking whose. Apparently, her father had been in the process of commissioning a clocktower to be built in the center of the village, but with his passing, it was put on hold until Elsa came of age. That was probably the hardest thing she had to deal with considering it was her father's project and she felt the burden of doing it just right by him.

By the time she got back to the castle, all she wanted to do was lie in her bed and rub her temples where a headache was slowly growing. Alas, that was not to be when the stable master came to tell her that one of the horses had thrown a shoe and was badly injured. Elsa had a soft spot for the horses, as she would secretly sneak out to groom and speak to them as a child when she had no one else to talk to. That being said, she personally went to check on the horse. The vet assured her that he would be fine but needed to keep the swelling down. Now that was something she could take care of. She immediately created a supply of ice for the stable master to use to take care of the horse. Soon, she was in her bed with her own ice supply wrapped in a towel on her head. Her father's journal lay on her desk, untouched.

8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8

Sometime around midnight, Elsa had woken up. She realized she must've fallen asleep nursing her head. _Why didn't anyone wake me up? _She looked around her room and saw a candle had been lit and was dwindled down to almost nothing. But in the dim light she saw a tray of dried meat and cheese along with chocolate. _Anna._ There was a note next to it:

_Elsa,_

_Kai and Gerda both tried waking you up, but I guess you were too exhausted to notice. I figured if you did wake up before breakfast, you'd be starving and the meat and cheese were the best bet for lasting the night. I'll see you in the morning. _

_Love, _

_Anna_

Elsa couldn't help but smile. But then she looked at the clock and the northern lights shining through her window. _Great, now I won't be able to go back to sleep._

She picked up the tray and took it to her bed along with her father's journals. _I might as well do what I originally planned for the day. _


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note: more journal entries. More angst. Oy.**

Chapter 8

_The separation is not going well at all. The girls are miserable, their mother is miserable, I'm miserable. Anna is taking it the hardest. She doesn't understand why she can't play with Elsa anymore and we can't tell her either. She's too young to understand. She thinks she's done something wrong to make Elsa hate her. We try to tell her that's not the case, and make up reasons why, but we're running out of excuses. I don't think she's really convinced anyway. Elsa isn't helping either. If only she would just talk to her sister. And when she does talk to her, it's out of frustration at Anna's constant badgering to play. I don't know which one of us will give in first. The Queen thinks we should let them play together again, but Elsa and I both agree that would be a bad idea._

Elsa glanced toward her door, imagining Anna on the other side, calling out to her, wanting to play. She knew it hurt Anna's feelings when she shut her out all those years, but she never realized Anna thought she hated her. She would have to talk to her about that.

_Elsa's powers aren't abating. She's only eleven and almost freezing her room shut. We don't know how to comfort Elsa anymore especially when she won't allow us the simple act of touch. Her mother thinks the isolation was probably not the best thing, and I find myself starting to agree but I still can't risk it. Making matters more difficult, Elsa won't listen to reason when we try to calm her down. The gloves aren't helping anymore either. _

Elsa paused and looked at her hands. Why didn't she remember this? She always wore the gloves and they kept her powers at bay. How come they didn't work this time?

_I can see Elsa giving up. She refuses to come out at meal times and I've heard Anna telling her mother she hears Elsa crying at night. My wife doesn't know how to console our youngest and let her know everything will be all right. She just gets equally as sad. The castle has become a dungeon for us all. Anna has stopped knocking at Elsa's door as well. Today, I try to spend more time with her and get us out of the castle. We walked through the gardens since I know it's one of Anna's favorite places. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Elsa looking down at us from her window. Suddenly I'm startled, as I see ice form on the outside and around the eave. I quickly direct Anna away to the stream. _

_I had a meeting with the masons today. With Elsa's powers escalating the way they are, I feel the need to do something. They believe a cell can be made that can withstand intense cold. I've also had to commission a discreet blacksmith to create chains and manacles that can also withstand the cold. I didn't tell them exactly why, but alluded to the harsh Arendellian winters. Hopefully, that will suffice. I thought I needed to protect Elsa from the outside. Now, I know I need to protect her and Arendelle from herself. I'm realizing I have been failing my people by neglecting their safety. As a ruler, their safety has to be a priority. _

The words in the journal blurred and slowly smeared as Elsa realized her eyes had filled with tears and a few had dropped onto the pages. Her father had chosen the kingdom over her. This realization frightened and shocked her. She also realizes this is how she treated Anna growing up. Instead of being brave in the face of challenges in order to love her sister, she chose to build a proverbial wall and hide herself in her room. All in the name of love of course, but even she knew it was cowardice. She couldn't handle it, so she decided to hide it away, much like what her father was going to do with her.

_Today for my birthday, I was pleasantly surprised by Elsa. I hadn't seen her in weeks. It's been mostly her mother going in to see how she's been doing with her studies and control of her powers. So it naturally was a surprise to have her venture from her room to gently rap on my study door. And then to see what she had brought me. Elsa created the most exquisite sculpture I have ever seen. It is about 10 inches high and consists of myself and her mother holding each of Elsa's hands as we swing her by the arms in between us. The detail is amazing and her ice is like crystal. Even in the midst of her struggles to control her powers and isolating herself from us, she still remembered my birthday and put so much thought and effort into her gift. Only for me to dash all her work and confidence. I asked her why she is so young and not a current sculpture. I realized my mistake immediately because Elsa suddenly looks forlorn. I could barely hear her whisper, "It's from be…before…everything happened. It's to remember me when I was the good girl you wanted me to be." I can still hear her mother's gasp. I wanted to console Elsa, to tell her she still is a good girl, but she ran off and before I could even get up, I hear her slam her door. I'm touched and asham…_

The book drops from Elsa's hands to the floor. She never finishes the journal entry as she has finally fallen asleep, but her slumber is anything but peaceful. Ice slowly crawls up the walls, over the doors and windows.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Anna is her usual boisterous self, especially after being able to spend a good deal of the previous day with her sister. She hates to admit it, but sometimes she resents Elsa being queen and by proxy, her parents' early death. In fact, she recently started feeling resentment toward her parents in general. Why did they have to separate her and Elsa at such a young age? She knows the answer to that, but it still frustrates her that they thought separating them and keeping Elsa under lock and key would help her sister to control her powers. If anything, it just made her terrified of herself and incredibly insecure. That was not the Elsa Anna remembered as a child. Her Elsa was self-assured and liked to have fun. The one that emerged from her room on Coronation Day was a shadow of her—distant, stiff, and cold—well more so than when they were growing up and Elsa would slink around the castle, avoiding Anna at all costs.

Anna shook her head to free herself from such depressing thoughts. Yesterday was a good day and the future was only looking up for her and Elsa. Speaking of, she should go check up on her. She had fallen asleep early last night and didn't wake up until who knows when.

The first thing Anna noticed was that Elsa's door wasn't left ajar, but shut. Then she remembered that she shut it herself to make sure Elsa wasn't disturbed. As customary, she raised her hand to do her signature knock, more as way of a warning, before she reached for the handle to open the door. Anna abruptly pulled her hand away. The handle burned her hand for it was like ice.

She knocked again, more hesitantly. "Elsa?" She raised her skirt a little to use as a buffer between her and the frozen handle. As she went to turn it, she realized it was locked, or more appropriately frozen shut.

"Elsa. Come on, Elsa. Open the door. Are you in there? Of course you're in there. Why else would it be locked? Elsa! Don't do this again. What's going on?"

By this time, a few guards had come up after hearing the princess hollering at the Queen. Unbeknownst to them, Elsa just couldn't hear them. The ice had encapsulated her whole room, muffling all sound, and she was in the middle of a nightmare about being alone in chains deep in the bowels of the castle while Anna was blissfully unaware having chosen to give up on Elsa.

Suddenly, there is a loud cracking sound followed by a crash and Elsa's scream.

"Guard! Break down the door. Now! Please," Anna added.

One of the guards ran to get an axe from one of the suits of armor downstairs. Just as he is about to swing, more cracking could be heard from what appeared to be the door and it opens, but not before the axe starts coming down on it and subsequently, aimed right at Elsa's head.

Everyone gasps and luckily Elsa is aware enough to raise her hands to form a thick ice wall just in time. Wary eyes opened to see the axe embedded in the wall and a shaken Queen peeking out from behind it.

"What's going on?!" both she and Anna ask simultaneously.

"You locked…" "Why is there…"

"You first," the both said together again.

Elsa sighed. "Why is there an armed guard aiming an axe at my forehead?"

Anna put her hands on her waist, equally exasperated. "Why is your door locked frozen?"

Elsa turns towards her door, then to her entire room. It looks like a frozen dungeon. Ice spikes had started to extend from the walls surrounding her bed. The window was completely frozen over. And one dangerously close spike had gone straight through her headboard luckily a few feet above the bed, missing the Queen as she slept.

She inhales quickly and Anna peeks into the room with a look of shock.

Anna grabs Elsa's hand and drags her away from the scene and heads toward her room. "Don't you have jobs to do? You all are dismissed!" Anna uncharacteristically yells at the gawking crowd. They scatter immediately, too afraid and ashamed to look back.

8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8

In Anna's room, Anna gently pushes a shell-shocked Elsa onto her bed. They both sit in silence for a minute trying to grasp what they just witnessed.

Finally, Anna broke the silence. "What happened, Elsa?" she asked tentatively. She was worried Elsa may be having a relapse into isolation, but she didn't know what could have triggered it.

Elsa's chest is rising and falling rapidly as she tries to get her breathing under control. Anna can see remnants of frozen tears on her face and knows it has to be bad.

"It was just a dream. It wasn't real," Elsa sugarcoats it, when she finds her voice.

Anna doesn't like this answer. "It was REAL to _you_, Elsa," she states emphatically as she grabs Elsa's shoulders turning her toward her so she sees the sincerity in her eyes.

Unfortunately, Anna's blind devotion only exasperates Elsa and she can feel her fingers tingling and the control over her powers she has developed slowly slipping away. Anna hears her whisper, "Conceal, don't feel."

Anna quickly grabs Elsa's hands. "Love, Elsa," she says firmly. "Love will thaw."

Elsa opens eyes she didn't notice she had squeezed shut and looks directly into aqua eyes—eyes that have always believed in her, even when she couldn't believe in herself. Rising from the bed, she extricated herself from Anna's tender grip and went to the window to gather her thoughts.

A swirl of emotions was running rampant in her head. She could just tell Anna the truth about the dream, that it was more of a nightmare and about their father's journal. But that would expose Anna to a darker side of their father and Elsa couldn't steal those joyful memories away from her younger sister. _And why not? Your parents stole an entire childhood from you both?!_ Her inner dialogue argued back. _Don't be ridiculous, Elsa. You had a part in this as well, you coward. _Snow started to slowly drift around her at the window.

"Ugh!" she hollered out loud and flung her hands in the air and the snow fell to the ground in a huff.

Anna just stared at her, wide-eyed. "I swear, Elsa, you make things so difficult," an exasperated Anna cried out, shaking her head. "I thought we already established love is the answer, not fear. Why do you keep retreating?"

Elsa turned away from the smudge on the window she had been staring at during her inner dialogue and glared at Anna. "It's easier said than done when thirteen years of your life was spent in hiding." She sighed as she was about to admit something she's never admitted to herself until now. "I'm not strong enough, okay? Don't you see? I never was."

Anna paused in thought before she walked over towards an old chest in the corner. Rummaging through it, she proceeded to tell her tale.

"Once upon a time, there were two princesses. One named Elizabeth and the other Annika…" she pulled out the old rag dolls of themselves she used to play with as a child.

"Anna…" Elsa groaned.

"Shhh… you need to hear this," Anna cut her off, but not before hearing Elsa scoff at the thinly veiled changes in the names. Elsa rolled her eyes and frowned.

Not to be deterred, Anna continued, "Elizabeth was the oldest and she'd do anything for her baby sister. She would sneak chocolate chip cookies out of the kitchen for her before dinner and create wonderful snow creatures that were so fantastical, Annika thought she was living a dream. Little did she know, Elizabeth was creating them when it wasn't winter."

"When Annika would get in trouble with the staff, Elizabeth would step in and take the blame. She knew they couldn't do much to the future heir of the kingdom. There were consequences of course. The king would take Princess Elizabeth aside and sternly tell her of her duties as future Queen and that she needed to behave as one. But Elizabeth had a spunky side to her and as she nodded acquiescence to her father, she'd make silly faces to Princess Anna… I mean Annika when his back was turn, usually addressing one of the old portraits of a past ruler. Boring stuff if you asked Annika."

Elsa's scowl slowly relaxed. Anna's rendition of their childhood was certainly more entertaining than her memory of it.

"Elizabeth also wouldn't let the staff yell at Annika for sliding down the banister or riding her bike in the halls. These were the times when their parents pulled both of them aside and would tell them that her older sister wouldn't be able to bail her out of trouble all the time. But Elizabeth was adamant that was her job. She was the older sister. She'd do whatever it took to keep her from getting hurt, either physically or emotionally. Unfortunately, she took it too far when an accident happened."

Elsa had sat down at Anna's vanity at this point. She wasn't quite ready to open up to Anna and she knew if she resumed sitting next to her on the bed, she'd break down in tears. _So much for open doors_, she sighed to herself.

Anna was now playing it by ear from what she assumed happened because Elsa never really told her the details of the accident, but she guessed something had happened between the two for her to lock herself up for thirteen years and keep her powers hidden.

"One day, the two princesses were outside playing…"

"It was inside," Elsa softly stated. This was the first time she spoke since she first interrupted Anna's story. Anna glanced over kindly. Elsa was beginning to fidget in her seat, torn with staying there, moving over to where Anna was, or outright leaving. She waited for Elsa to continue, but when it was evident she wasn't going to, Anna went on with the story.

"The two princesses were playing _inside_, when…wheeen?" hoping Elsa would fill in the blanks because Anna was running out of ideas of what could have happened.

"…when _something _happened. Something… uh big that caused Elizabeth to let her powers—"

"I have to go," Elsa said abruptly, toppling over the stool she was sitting on.

"Elsa, wait!"

"I…I just need some air." She got to the door and was one foot out it when she stopped. She breathed deeply and turned around, "You…you can come with me," she said hesitantly. "That is, if you want."

Anna jumped off the bed and ran to Elsa about to hug her, then thought maybe she wasn't ready for it yet. Elsa instead first linked her arm with Anna's then decided to turn it into a hug. She held on longer than normal, as if her life depended on it, and maybe it did. But Anna didn't mind. She would let Elsa do things in her own time. Anything to ensure Elsa wouldn't close the door to her heart again. Pulling back, she examined Anna's attire then looked down at her own, realizing she was still in her bedclothes. "But maybe I should change first."

**Agh! Minor cliffhanger... where is Anna going with this story? Will Elsa fill in the blanks? And where is Elsa going to get clothes since her room is totally still frozen over and creepy?  
**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Once changed, in Anna's clothes no less seeing the sisters weren't planning on going back to Elsa's room until it thawed and Elsa wasn't feeling safe making an ice dress, much less an ostentatious one, Elsa led Anna into the gardens surrounding the palace grounds. They strolled arm in arm through the various flora for a while before Elsa spoke up.

"So, Ibsen, how does the rest of the story go?"

Anna scrunched up her face, "You know I don't get your obscure literary references, Elsa. But if you must know… It ends well, I'm just not really sure about the middle," she chuckled slightly.

Elsa shook her head. "He's not that obscure," she said taciturnly.

Silence followed, only to be broken by the sound of the birds chirping and the brook babbling. Anna could tell Elsa was working up the strength to tell the rest of the story, so she remained content with just being in her company until she did.

"Elizabeth and Annika were playing inside in their own winter wonderland," began Elsa. She stopped to sit on a bench under a willow tree and brought Anna with her, never unlinking their arms. Elsa rested her head on Anna's. Anna was particular engrossed in this part, because she never knew what happened and this was a huge step for Elsa in getting comfortable in opening up.

"Elizabeth covered the entire ballroom with ice, making it into a exquisite ice rink. Little Annika loved sliding along it. She would giggle nonstop over the magic. It was the most beautiful sound Els—Elizabeth ever heard and it was her favorite sound. It was like church bells to her ears."

Anna's face lit up just like it did when she was five. She loved when Elsa would tell a story because she had an amazing way with words, whenever she felt like expressing them. She had to giggle at that thought. Elsa smiled warmly at her.

"The girls were playing in the snowfall where they created a snowman named Olaf with the help of Elizabeth's ice magic. Neither of them knew where the magic came from, but sneaking into the ballroom in the middle of the night was their greatest secret they shared. Though, Elizabeth had a feeling their parents may have known about these little adventures and chose to ignore it. That is, until this fateful day."

It was with trepidation that Elsa continued the story. "Things were going well and the girls were having a wonderful time skating with Olaf and sledding down undulating hills Elizabeth made, when Annika wanted to play a game of snow catch."

Elsa's voice hitched, "Annika would jump from hill to hill as Elizabeth created them on the spot. Normally, this was fine, but on this night Annika was a little more rambunctious than usual. She had gotten really good at this game and at jumping in the snow that… that she was faster than she had been." Elsa swallowed hard. Anna gave her hand a squeeze, letting her know that it would be okay. That "Annika" was okay. They were together, in a garden, and nobody was hurt. Her silent assurance gave Elsa the strength to go on.

"It didn't help that Elizabeth got swept up in the moment as well and made each subsequent hill higher and higher. It wasn't until too late that Elizabeth realized she couldn't keep up with her younger sister. She called to her to slow down, but Annika was having too much fun to hear the warning. Suddenly, Elizabeth slipped on the ice. She actually slipped! She had never slipped on ice of her own creation. Elizabeth's control was slipping."

Elsa's heartbeat increased and she wasn't sure she could go on, even with Anna's reassuring presence. She closed her eyes for a bit to recollect herself. She needed to do this. Anna needed to know. She wanted Anna to know. There would be no more secrets between them.

"As Elizabeth slipped, Annika leaped into the air. She had the fullest confidence her big sister would catch her. And why not? She always had in the past. That was what big sisters do, protect their little sisters. Unfortunately… unfortunately…" she cleared her throat. _Come on, Elsa, you can do this. _"Unfortunately, Elizabeth was unable to catch Annika. In her panic, she threw her arm out and accidentally shot out some ice magic, which hit Anna in the head. Luckily, the momentum of the hit threw Anna into the path of a snow bank and she wasn't injured more. Elsa ran to her sister's side and gathered her in her arms letting her know she was there. Suddenly, a strand of Anna's hair started to turn as white as her sister's. Elsa called out for their parents. In Elsa's panic, the room started to freeze over from the floor to the ceiling. It took all our parents' strength to bust open the door, which had also frozen over. Maybe if I hadn't frozen the ballroom, mama and papa could've gotten there sooner and you would've gotten the help you needed sooner. Maybe we would not have had to be separated."

Elsa hadn't realized she had reverted the names to their real names and no longer spoke in the third person, but started speaking as if recalling the incident and not telling a story. She hadn't realized she had admitted to another insecurity regarding the incident. But Anna did. She noticed all of it. She also noticed that despite such an emotional retelling of the story, Elsa had yet to expel any of her magic. The grass was still green, there was no frost on the flowers, and not even a small flurry appeared above their heads. If this wasn't a breakthrough, she didn't know what is.

Elsa couldn't speak anymore. She just sat there silently watching a family of ducks stroll by. She wasn't ready to make eye contact with Anna just yet.

Anna wasn't expecting all that and wasn't sure if she should go on with her story. It ended up taking a turn in another direction. It was a good turn, but still, she wanted Elsa to see what a strong person she's always been, not feel bad about the incident all over again. Anna plucked up the same courage Elsa did in recalling all that to forge on.

"Um…so, in the end Eliza.. oh forget it, Elsa thought in order to be strong and protect her sister, she had to be distant and stay locked in her room. But what she found out was that true love was an even stronger force than restraint. And Elsa regained the strength she had hidden away to fight against her fear and be there for her sister, no matter what."

Elsa sort of choked out a mixture of a sob and a laugh at the anticlimactic nature of Anna's story. They continued to sit in a companionable silence.

"Elsa?"

"Hmm?"

"My point is, you were always strong. You still are strong. You never backed down from a fight. You'd fight all my battles against papa and the staff. You fought the battles of my nightmares and let me sleep in your bed in order for you to keep the monsters away. You may have let fear best you for a bit, okay thirteen years," Anna conceded when Elsa gave her a skeptical look. "And even then, you had to be strong against my persistence and you did that because you _loved_ me. Leaving Arendelle and everything you've known, especially since you hadn't been out of the castle for thirteen years, took strength. All to keep the people you loved safe."

"Anna! That's the worst time to be strong. That wasn't strength. That was me giving in to fear."

"But you did it out of love. Well, maybe a warped sense of love, but you did it because you loved us. But when push comes to shove, you rise to the occasion and show fear who's boss. Don't you see? You are the most loving person I've ever known! And that's where your strength lies. You _are_ strong enough. You don't ever have to hide."

Elsa sat quietly letting Anna's words marinate.

To bring her point home, Anna added, "And you invited me out here with you, even though your instincts said to run. You told me what happened when we were kids on your own. And interestingly enough, your powers never kicked in during any of this."

Elsa looked up at her surroundings. Anna was right, nothing was frosted over, there was no snow, and no one was shivering. She looked back down at her ungloved hands. The love she had for Anna overpowered any fear she may have had about Anna knowing the truth. It overpowered the emotional spurts of power she would normally have. It overpowered her need to run because she realized that would hurt Anna more than her knowing the truth. Anna was right, she did that all on her own. All because she loved Anna more.

She relaxed shoulders she hadn't realized tensed up during all of this. If she could tell Anna all that, she certainly could tell her about her dream and the journal. But there were still questions she had herself. She really couldn't open up this can of worms with Anna without having the answers to questions she was certain Anna would ask. She came to a solution that hopefully Anna would be fine with.

"I think that's enough story time for one day. Now, before you start protesting," she raised her hands, halting Anna's speech because she could see she was gearing up for another lecture. "Anna, I want to tell you what plagues me at night. I really do. And I'm not afraid to, it's just that…there are some questions that I don't have the answers to yet. Suffice it to say, it had to do with my imprisonment in the dungeons. But let me wrap my head around some of the details first before we have another story time."

"It doesn't have to be perfect. It's not a diplomatic mission. I'll always be here for you, just let me in," Anna croaked out.

Elsa reached for Anna's hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Even though Elsa's hands normally were cold to the touch, this gesture was one of the warmest things Anna's ever felt, right after the hugs Elsa gave her when she was thawed. "I know. Just trust me on this one, just once. Please."

Anna gave her a grimace, thinking about it for a second.

"I'll tell you tonight. I promise."

Sighing Anna agreed. "No take backs."

Elsa smiled, "No take backs… Queen's orders."

Anna beamed back at her.

They saw Kai as they were approaching the castle. "Kai, please cancel all my appointments for today. There are some "documents" I need to finish reading."

Kai gave a look of understanding, quickly realizing she meant her father's journal. "Yes, your Majesty."

"Oh, and please give my sincere apologies. Thank you."

"Um, Elsa, what about your room? That much thawing is going to leave a wet mess."

Elsa almost forgot about that. She didn't really want to go see the result of her nightmare any time soon, but Anna was right. She couldn't just let it thaw naturally. It was probably for the best that she faced it now anyway. That way she could change into a more somber dress for what she had to do, rather than one of Anna's dresses. Besides, it was a little short on her and she was feeling a little self-conscious. Elsa gave a slight chuckle at that considering her usual insecurity was her reputation as the Snow Queen and how intimidating that can be to some.

Word of this morning's incident spread quickly through the castle and Kai interrupted her thoughts, "Your Majesty, Gerda and I have already begun reparations to your chambers." At this, he held up a bucket that contained pieces of icicles that were clearly chipped off.

"It has only been ourselves in your room. But if you would like to thaw the rest yourself, it would probably be faster." Kai had said this not in accusation, but to relieve Elsa of any further embarrassment of the rest of the staff dealing with her mess. Elsa was eternally grateful for Kai and Gerda's ceaseless devotion to her and her family.

"Thank you very much, Kai. Yes, I'll take care of the rest."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note update: I just added a small paragraph at the end... I realized I missed copying and pasting into the story. **

**Author's Note: this one isn't much activity and heavy in dialogue though Elsa does get to talk to different people. Also I'd be remiss in not giving a shout out to** Mengsk **who has been a big help as a sounding board on this story... though I'm not sure if where it's gone is anything we really talked about. LOL Thanks again! And thank you all for reading this...the story that is, not the author's note ;)**

Chapter 11

After Elsa took care of thawing her room and changing, she excused herself from Anna's presence and went to the study. But not before reassuring Anna that they would have the talk.

She had enough of ice for a while and thought sitting in front of a warm fire would be nice. It also might keep the ice at bay. She curled up in her mother's favorite chair and examined the journal in her lap. It had not escaped unscathed from the ice storm in her room this morning. She only hoped it wasn't too damaged as she opened it gently and went to find the page she left off before falling asleep the night before.

_I wanted to console Elsa, to tell her she still is a good girl, but she ran off and before I could even get up, I hear her slam her door. I'm touched and ashamed that she wants us to see her as good. It pains me to think that our behavior, no MY behavior, has caused her to think this of herself. I could never think my precious Snowflake was bad. But isn't that essentially what I have done when I had that cell made specifically for her? I can disguise it as much as I like by making sure there was a window and a view of the fjord so she wouldn't feel trapped. I didn't even give her a proper bed in order to keep up appearances that this was just a random cell for the more hardened criminal. Why else would someone make a cell deep in the dungeons, if not for the vilest of creatures? The truth is, I am the monster. _

_I can't believe I had it even made. What kind of father does that?! My wife would be horrified. She already suspects something by the way I've distanced myself from Elsa. I can't chain up my daughter. I've practically locked her up in her room. We will get through this. She can learn control. Even if she can't, she will not be locked up like a criminal. I will have the chains removed and the cell walled up as soon as we get back from our trip overseas. I must rectify my relationship with Elsa. Everything will change when we get back. That is a promise. _

That was it. That was the end of the journal. Elsa flipped a few pages, making sure none had gotten stuck to each other from the ice she created. Of course, this was foolish. There were no more entries. There couldn't be. He must've written this right before they left…right before their ship was lost at sea. Elsa merely sat there, not sure what to think. There was an inner turmoil going on. At first, she was reminded of why she had her nightmare. She was upset over the fact that her father had chosen the people of Arendelle over her. Then ashamed because that is what a proper ruler would do and she was being selfish. She read historical accounts of second and third born heirs trying to usurp thrones, causing strife for the very countries they wished to rule. In all those times, the kings would have to go to war against their own family. Why should she be any different? _Maybe because you couldn't help it and you WEREN'T trying to take over the throne._ Lastly, she felt incredible sorrow. Sorrow for what could have been if her parents made it back home. Maybe Anna and her would have had the relationship that was stolen from them, that they so desperately craved. Maybe she wouldn't have been afraid to be close to anyone. Maybe she would have gained control.

For what seemed like the hundredth time, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Luckily, her powers weren't as strong and only a gust of wind extinguished the fire before she reined it in again. She was still unsettled. Looking at the portrait of her father, she knew where she had to go.

8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8o8

Walking through the village, she was greeted by many bows and "your Majesties". She politely responded, but kept on her way making one stop at a flower stall. The wizened florist was surprised the Queen had personally stopped at his stall.

"Your Majesty," he said with a bow. "What can we do for you today?"

Elsa glanced over at him and then at some simple flowers in one of the baskets. "What are these?" she asked pointing to some purple flowers that resembled heather.

"That is røsslyng, your Majesty. And that over there," pointing to another bluish purple flower, "is blåklokke."

For some strange reason, they gave comfort to Elsa.

"They were your mother's favorite flowers," the florist said, as if reading Elsa's thoughts.

Elsa's eyes shot up to the florist. The question on her face encouraged the florist to continue. "Yes, her highness preferred these over all the other, more exotic flowers. You, on the other hand, loved the azaleas and orchids."

Elsa was clearly shocked at this man's familiarity with her and her mother. She was used to people being too afraid of her to really speak, and to speak in such a familiar way with her was disconcerting. She also didn't remember ever coming to this stall for him to know her.

"Ah yes, you wouldn't remember much. You were quite young then; probably two or three. I don't reckon Princess Anna was born yet. Where are my manners? I see I have startled you. My name is Garth." He held out his hand to shake Elsa's. She glanced down, unsure, then shakily accepted his hand. If he noticed her hesitation, he didn't let on. In fact, he shook her hand with an exuberance that belied his age. "Yup. It was always a real pleasure when your mother and yourself would come to my stall. She was such a gracious lady."

Elsa still couldn't believe what he was saying and cleared her throat.

That got his attention briefly. "That's not to say that you're not gracious. It was just nice when the Queen would come and take you with her. And you! You were always getting into some mischief, I must say," he said with a chuckle. "I remember this one time you were trying to reach one of the flowers in the back. My guess is to smell it. Next thing we know, there was a crash, and we looked over and there you were, dripping wet with a basket on your head and the flowers in your lap. You were quite a sight." He chuckled some more. "The Queen was upset, but she couldn't stay mad at you for long, especially with the forlorn look on your face. You were as red as that red clover over there. But look at you now. You've turned into quite the lady."

"We used to come out of the castle gates?" was all she could muster.

The florist came back to the present, "Oh yes, once a week, I believe. Your mother wanted you to have a life outside the walls as well. Part of it was to get to know your people, and I think the other part was she secretly took pleasure in the ordinary tasks of life."

Elsa had to smile at that. Her mother wasn't much for the pomp and circumstance of being a royal, even though she handled that well. "Do you have any family, Garth?"

He shook his head, "No. My wife and I weren't so lucky. But she has since passed. I do have nieces and nephews, but alas, they have since moved away as well. They are the age of your parents actually."

"I'm sorry," Elsa didn't really know what else to say to this.

Garth merely waved her off with his hand, "Don't be. They're not too far. Usually I visit them in the winter when most of the flowers are dormant, but I'll be visiting them a little early this year."

She just nodded at this and decided she best be going. "Well, I would like the buy a bunch of the røsslyng and blåklokke, please."

"Excellent choice." Garth carefully wrapped the flowers in paper and snuck in a few azaleas and orchids as well.

"How much do I owe you?"

Garth shook his head. "That won't be necessary, your Majesty."

"But—"

"Consider it payment for the pleasure of your company and the trip down memory lane."

Elsa was extremely grateful. "I feel like I should be paying _you_ for the memories. Thank you, Garth."

As she left the stall, Garth calls out, "I hope to see you again, your majesty."

She smiled back, "Me, too."

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Continuing on her way until she approached a familiar gate. This time without hesitation, she walks straight to the church and goes in. Sitting on the familiar pew she sat on the last time she was here. Elsa picks up a hymnal, absently flips through it and puts it back.

"You know, sometimes your father went directly to my office." The bishop said with a knowing smile. He holds out a mug of tea for her.

Elsa is startled and embarrassed. "Oh! Forgive me your Grace. I didn't know."

"There's no need. I'm glad to see you again." He offers the mug again, "Please."

She hesitantly takes it from him.  
"Thank you. I actually wasn't too sure after our last encounter." She said sadly.

"Pish posh, water under the bridge, your Majesty. It's been thirteen years, I knew it had to be coming."

"Thirteen-?"

"Your bottled up feelings. Yes, it's only been 3 years since your parents' passing, but if your father's visits were any indication, there was bound to be a lot of conflict in you that needed an outlet. I'm just grateful they weren't interred in the royal crypt," he jokes slightly, trying to keep the mood light.

After thirteen years of contained emotion, Elsa felt the strength to be absolutely blunt with the Bishop. "I'm going to ask you some...personal questions, and I'd like you to answer the best and as honest as you can. My father's confidentiality isn't an issue anymore."

"I'll do my best, your Majesty."

"Please, it's just Elsa."

"But—"  
"In here, just Elsa. I'd prefer it that way."

"Very well, yo-Elsa."

"Did you know what my father had planned for the dungeons?"

The bishop's eyebrows rose to his hairline. _Straight and to the point. This was definitely a different queen than the one who was here almost a week ago._

He cleared his throat before he began, "You must understand, your father was definitely at odds with himself."

"Please don't sugarcoat it. I've read his journals. Did he tell you about it?"

The bishop's eyes were downcast. "Yes. He didn't say why he was building it, but he did seem torn as to if he should. When he brought it up, he had asked what I would do if I knew of a possible danger to Arendelle, and if I could contain it, would I? Even if the danger came from within. He posed it as if it was one of the deacons, someone who was close to me. And if they couldn't help themselves, but were still dangerous, what would I do?"

Elsa watched his facial features carefully as the bishop too seemed torn with the decision. She silently waited for him to continue.

"I told the King what I'm going to tell you. I would work with this deacon until there was no other option. After that, if there were no other solutions, I would have to put the care of the people of Arendelle first. But only as a last resort. I would also let the deacon be part of this decision. If he was truly incapable of controlling himself and was doing the best he can, he most certainly would also have the people's interest at heart and be willing to listen to reason. From the look on your face, I take it your father didn't give you that choice."

It was more of a statement than a question, but Elsa felt the need to answer anyway.  
"No," she stated quietly.

"I don't believe your father wanted to imprison you."

Elsa looked at the bishop startled.

"There had been rumors since you came back unconscious on Prince Hans' horse."

"He changed his mind in the end," she confirmed.

"Yes, the King seemed very distraught before he and your mother left. I honestly have never seen him so out of control of his emotions."

Elsa gave a slight chuckle. _Well, I know where I got my temperament from. _  
"The thing is, I'm still having nightmares and the journal hasn't helped. Anna wants me to talk about it, but I really don't want to mar her memories of father. Her childhood wasn't the happiest one, and I can't take this last bit away from her. But how do I tell her without having some sort of closure on the dungeon issue?"

"I promised her no more secrets. I can't hide from her anymore. Father did change his mind though," Elsa kept talking more to herself than the Bishop who sat patiently waiting for her to come to her own conclusions.

"Father did say everything was going to change. He was going to make it better for all of us. Being a ruler, one has to make difficult decisions. Sometimes, those decisions won't make everyone happy." She stopped in her soliloquy.

When it was evident she wasn't going to continue, the bishop spoke up, "It looks like you already know the answer, my dear. Princess Anna is a very strong and capable young lady. I'm sure she'll be able to handle this in stride, and you'll be there every step of the way. Secrets are what kept your family apart all those years after all."

Elsa took a sip of her tea and looked up at the lintels of the church. Rising, she bade the bishop farewell, "Thank you again, your Grace. And thank you for the tea."

"My door is always open, Elsa. Don't be a stranger." He took the cup from her as she turned to leave. "Oh! One more thing, services begin at 9:00am. The royal family has been truly missed."

She nodded her head once before turning on her heel and headed out.

Her familiar trek up the hill was less daunting than last time. "Hello again mama and papa. I'm sorry my last visit was less than ideal." She unwrapped the flowers Garth had given her. Arranging them helped calm her nerves. She noticed the azaleas and orchids and smiled. "Mama, I spoke with Garth, the florist. Do you remember him? I didn't, but he remembered us. He says these were your favorites. He also implied I was quite a handful when we went out to the village." Elsa laughed at this. "I guess I should apologize for that too. He seemed nice though, kind of like a kindly old grandfather. I might go visit the village more often."

"Kai gave me your journal, papa. I'm not mad...per se. Well, I was justifiably upset. I guess upset isn't strong enough a word. I pretty much froze my entire room and I'm sure the bed will need to be completely replaced. I frightened Anna again. I always seem to be hurting her. But, being Anna, she was the one protecting and comforting me. We've gotten close since, well, since I froze her. But don't worry! She thawed. Ugh. This isn't going how I planned. Anna would say, 'there's no right way to grieve' and she's right. But sometimes I revert to having to have it all together. You know what I mean?"

"I wish you had just talked to me about it. We could've tried something different. You didn't even think of anything different other than 'Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show.' You know what the answer was the whole time? Love. LOVE! I wonder if you had allowed Anna and I to stay together if none of this would've happened. We _all_ could've been a family. You wouldn't have had to distance yourself from me. You wouldn't have had to build a prison cell for me. I would never had been locked up in it by a manipulative prince," she spat out with disdain.

The wind started to pick up slightly and Elsa had to think about all the good that's happened to her since then to calm her down.

"I wish I had more hugs from you. It didn't help that I was afraid of myself that I pushed you away. I just wish you tried harder to reach me. If I knew someone believed in me, maybe I could've tried harder myself. But…that wasn't the case. I was kept in my room and Anna and I grew apart. The only one who did try hard was Anna. Anna always believed in me. Honestly, I don't understand why after all the times I rejected her. You don't know how hard that was. If only we had realized the only time I really had control was when I was _with _Anna."

Elsa looked towards the horizon as the sun was setting. She didn't really know what else to say. She could go on about what she wished could've happened, but what good would that be?

"What I think I'm trying to say is, I understand now. I understand how hard this was on you too. And I forgive you. It still hurts, but not as much. And I have Anna to help me through things and she's not afraid to take on my problems with me. You'd be so proud of her. She's very insightful. I'm going to let Anna know about the journal. I know she'll be okay. And I'll be here for her. We'll take care of each other, mama and papa."

She had finished arranging the flowers long ago and placed them in front of each grave marker. Kissing her fingertips, she laid her hand on each, turned and left for home.


	12. Author's Note

Ugh! I seriously loathe Author's Notes as chapters. It messes up the chapter count and gets people all excited for nothing. But I have to post one because I realize, it's almost been a month since my last update and I have a serious case of writer's block. I have ideas that are going in one direction, but it's really not the direction I want the story to go. But I wanted to let you all know that I am working on this... Oddly enough, I've started another story, which is also slightly in limbo, and I have ideas for a possible sequel but that'd be silly to even seriously work on since I haven't finished this one. So, I will be continuing this one, it isn't going to be one of those unfinished stories that leave you hanging. I only hope what I come up with doesn't fall short.

I want to thank you all for your patience, and your "favoriting" and "following" of this story.


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